I can’t even remember the last time I wrote on here but it has been a while.
A little bit of an update for you all, I’ve been going through different platforms now and creating other kinds of content. Started venturing into Instagram more because of my Etsy shop promotion and TikTok for the same reasons.
However, one thing I have also discovered is that I’m not a consistent person. Having to do something everyday makes me more unmotivated and pressured than doing it occasionally. I also would like to follow what I like to do more for now on instead of just pushing through.
As you know, my life has taken a turn in recent months as I have moved countries and ‘lost’ friends and routines. And obviously so many other things keep crumbling as a consequence or simply because ‘life happened’.
Everything is different for me and no matter how many times I feel grateful and priviledged about what I still have, my subconscious knows that I am not okay. Two weeks ago I was genuinly happy about my growth and grateful for my life even if in Portugal but the sadness from within keeps creeping up to me.
My anxiety has been on a rocket ship ride this past week and I have experienced new ‘symptoms’ with all this.
As you may have read, I have (undiagnosed) misophonia. This is something that I relate to deeply but haven’t gotten around to properly be seen by a doctor about. Whenever my anxiety is greater, my misophonia decides to listen closer on annoying sounds which makes me mad and angry.
With the fact that I have been keeping my problems to myself and have been my own therapist in a way, has made my anxiety climb to unforseen ways and my misophonia follows.
Last Friday, while drinking tea and eating cake at my grandma’s, my brain was freaking out so much at the chewing and excessive slurping that I had to cover my ears with my fingers. I made it so casually no one noticed but my mom certainly gave a mad face when I told her about it.
Two days after it was Easter and the thought that I would have to deal with loud screams from my little cousins and chewing coming from everywhere on that table was making me scratch my head. I decided to put some research into it and decided to wear earplugs at lunch.
My parents had given me earplugs as a joke when I was at university which was perfect as I never throw anything away and I desperately needed them.
As soon as we arrived to my grandma’s I went to the bathroom and put them on, covering my ears with my loose hair. It was my secret. No one could know about it. I didn’t want to talk about it.
Despite having problems focusing on more than one conversation the earplugs were a lifesaviour.
I told my dad the day after and he remains the only person that knows about this little trick.
I wear them at lunch and dinner now too. I guess I can’t put my hair up for a while now.
My ears hurt when I take them off but I’m glad I stumbled onto this hint.
Besides the sound sensitivity increase, I also have been feeling claustrofobic when around people and suffocated when people are very close to me. I feel as if I can’t move.
What the hell is going on with me.
My brain, trying to get an explanation for all this, tells me that the lack of socialisation for the last year and the isolation due to the pandemic are the ones at fault.
I am also tired all the time, don’t have the energy to answer to people online, am fed up with online content, have developed arritmia and have been having cold sweats these past days. I almost fainted two days ago. It’s a chaos.
After letting you in on all of my health problems you might imagine me being super pale and unresponsive but I am actually your good ol’ Nicole. No one has noticed me struggling. I have to apply to be a ninja of the mental health problems.
Anyhow, this is my update. I forgot how much I love to write here. I used to be so excited about this blog.
Thank you for reading. Would love to answer to your comments even if you just want to have a chat. I’ll get back to you whenever I feel better.