The kind of issues that always come back for a little visit and end up sleeping in your couch for months if not years.
Hope with this blog post to bring more awareness onto what always needs to be shed a light to -mental health and depression. We all experience it differently, or some don’t even experience it. For some its when they are over forty, for others it reveals itself their childhood.
Reality is that it’s always bad, no matter the age.
I thought that whenever I would crawl out the hole, I was out and not going back in. I forget that it doesn’t take a lot to get back inside.
2020 has been a ride. When you don’t have your friends to talk to face-to-face and are stuck at home with no prediction of leaving, things get really tough.
I started not feeling motivated and leaving random chipmunk and mayo studios (my art page) on the side. I finally had so much free time but the words wouldn’t leave naturally, my train of thought was jumbled until it snapped.
Mental health is like scavating a hole. Someone can help you out by offering a hand but you are the one that needs to do dig yourself out.
It was when I realised this that the hole started to feel too little for me and I finally wanted out. I would expect some sort of miracle ‘phrase’ or statement that someone would tell me and I would suddendly feel much better but it isn’t that easy.
I’ve been worse. This time I am not as bad because I learnt how beautiful positivism can be. I’m not alluding myself or giving me false hope but I am looking at the good of the bad.
I feel that is so important. Some sort of a personal ‘consolation’ and not a pat on the back.
Whenever I loose that positivism is when things start getting hard. As if life throws me a shovel to start my little isolation hole again and I just accept it.
I start having stupid thoughts and doubting myself on my decisions when that is not the case at all.
—————- Edit —————–
I wrote this blog post when I wasn’t feeling too good. For some reason I only write about anxiety or depression when I am feeling low.
I am much better now as I am now back home, my home country. This change of environment allows me to put everything in a different perspective. Whenever I come back home I suddendly remember that England is temporary, at least for now, and that I shouldn’t get so affected in its environment.
I like being in England but with no family around, whenever you need something you will have to depend on your friends and that’s something that my personality doesn’t appreciate. I like to be independent, I like to know about several subjects so that I don’t have to ask for help. I like helping but I feel bad for asking for help, basically.
You don’t choose family but you do choose your friends and sometimes they can surprise you. That environment can really take a toll on you. When everything is great it’s the greatest feeling in the world but when things go south, because you only have that group and is now tainted, you feel horrible.
When I am okay I forget about mental health. When I am down I get disappointed because I am once again ‘depressed’. Mental health is an ongoing dilemma. It’s a recovery from a down time to then feel better and maybe go down the hole years later. That’s just what I have felt.
But then, there’s positivism. I don’t believe it to be a front. I think it’s my own personal ‘god’ as it gives me hope of better days and helps me focus on where I am instead of starting to look for a chovel.
In my experience and at this point in time I explain it as if I always have a rainy cloud following me around. my brain is cloudy and my thoughts don’t come out clearly. Sadness comes with me as a package deal and any inconvenience doesn’t bother me anymore as there’s some numbness to it.