Holidays and anxieties

Written in June 2019

What an unusual title. People usually go on holiday to relax and leave the anxiety behind.

This blog post was written back in 2019 but never published. Today is the day.

If you don’t know me, I am Portuguese. However, I am living/studying in the UK. The UK has become a second house to me and Portugal is now a place to relax and leave my anxieties behind.

However, this doesn’t happen. When I go back home I don’t relax. The familiar places and people make me remember my past and the memories come back to me. When I am far away I just remember the ones that most made an impact on me.

You know when you did something embarrassing and in a random day at a random time the memory stuns you and a wave of worry comes over you? That’s how anxiety is for me. A constant wave of worry.

Being connected with the memories’ places brings me the wave.

Yesterday I opened my memory box, a literal box of papers and little memories. I hadn’t done that in a couple of years. I was expecting to see memories from my trip to Paris and a few mementos. Oh, it was so much more than that.

The school memories particularly got me to stress.

Re-living everything made me feel as if I had achieved nothing after that. Every time I am home, I magically forget that I live in the UK. I had to remind myself that I will be graduating in two weeks and am going for a very exciting Master’s degree. I am living my dream of becoming a young creative.

How can my mind just erase that and make me feel unsuccessful?

This post was more of a venting of emotions than anything else. I have been unmotivated lately, that’s just the way it is. I don’t feel like writing or filming. But I am okay, just need a vacation from this vacation.

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