My anxiety

This is going to be a very open blog post about my struggles with anxiety. No shame here.

I am usually a happy jolly person. I love making jokes and laughing. I am random and unpredictable in a good way. I like to be happy around people and making people smile. Sometimes I even feel like that’s my job. Ridiculous really but I like to feel like I made the people around me smile and happy in my company. That’s actually one of the reasons why I post a lot on insta stories… if I see it and think it’s funny I want to share.

However, I am not always this ‘jolly’ person. To myself I can be harsh,

Lack of belief in myself is a fact. I am also very meticulous with my every move. Meaning that sometimes I talk and mid-way I start being aware of a weird movement or word I said and start being conscious. One week later I remember about it and feel blue again.

I overthink too much. There’s no need. Overthinking won’t change anyhting but I can’t stop doing it for some masoquist reason. I am trying to though.

I think one of the most important things that I can do in this case is assuming that I have a problem and try to resolve it overtime. For example, if I am overthinking I try to distract myself.

If I’m having a serious conversation with someone usually I talk about these things and always think that I shouldn’t have because I feel like people will pity me. I am okay. I just feel these things. I don’t need puppy eyes and guilty feelings. People don’t know how to react and I get it but I simply want someone to listen. I don’t want people to think that I am broken. This is just a part of me that I’m trying to fix like so many others but I’m still happy and smiley.

*story time*

I haven’t had any ‘anxiety attacks’ since I the day before last I had to come to the UK to live and was scared. It was such a big step that I understood why I was feeling that way and didn’t get too worried. Also, that feeling quickly got overcome by adrenaline. It’s as if when I landed I was already a new person and I had a mission. I had a mild stress over my chest but I was set and ready to go.

Last month I started having ‘anxiety attacks’ again. This to say that I had my mental health sorted but it’s a constant job! Always needing of working and building…and I neglected it. This time it was triggered by overthinking and fear of the unknown. General, I know…but I can’t give you more than that.

I would wake up and go to sleep in constant anxiety. One day I had to take meaures.

I couldn’t take the heavy chest. I went to Boots and bought ‘chill pills’. After I took it I was so much better but I felt so guilty. When I was 10 I was taking stronger pills and I remembered how they left me ‘zombie like’. I didn’t want to lose my emotions. I wanted to be me without the heavy chest.

Until today I still have to take them occasionally. Until today I feel guilty for taking them. I shouldn’t. I know that.

It’s weird how anxiety changes me sometimes.

Anyhow, I felt as if I needed to share. No one asked me to but I wanted to. I know I’m not alone. All I want now is supportive friends and times to be alone sometimes.

Mental health should NEVER be neglected. It’s okay not to be okay. Surround yourself with people that understand that! If not, educate them. Everyone needs their space to heal and is entitled to feel whatever it is they are feeling, no matter how stupid or irrelevant it may feel. It matters. Always.

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