Tables have turned

Whenever I think that I have my life figured out, I start feeling differently about it.

Maybe because I’m too quick to make a judgement or too decisive.

I feel as if I’m spiralling never to have an end.

I am passionate about a lot of things but I don’t know what I want to do or where. I’ve always had this dream of being in a large open space with a team of creative people, just brainstorming. This is what I have as base for what I want but truly I don’t even know if I would like it because I never lived it.

I do know I want to be a leader. I like responsibility, it gives me a sense of purpose and either on a team or by myself I enjoy being ‘the boss’. I do still have a lot to learn but if I feel safe and comfortable in an environment I can stand out. Motivation brings me great confidence.

However, I lack experience and that’s why I am stressed. I go in circles when thinking of where I want to go next.

I have a general plan and have a rough sketch of what I want to do. I don’t know why this stresses me so much but I am just afraid of being unhappy. Waking up everyday like a bad deja vu. Taking the train in the mornings, looking out the window and thinking of what I did wrong.

I stop thinking about this when I realise that there is no point in spiralling and that I should just go with it.

My motto recently has been ‘If it is meant to happen then it will’. This really relived my anxiety. I don’t believe our path is already made but thinking that it is made for us makes me more relaxed. So be it.

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