Holding on to my past

I try not to but sometimes it hits me.

Funny how you remember more the sad parts than the nice memories, or at least I do.

If I want to have happy thoughts I go through my mind attic where I keep my childhood. Such nice times, going to my grandmother’s house to play with my cousins, going to the beach with my family, weekends with my parents… then, there’s the bad memories.

School. Because a week has seven days and five of those I spent learning and mostly stressing.

You go to school to learn and make friends. For me it was more to stress out about everything because I couldn’t learn much. For every new skill I got there a new load of drama would come attached to it.

You start thinking that you are not good enough because you don’t have good grades or have any close friends and everyone makes fun of you.

I’m going to keep it real here.

I had a few close friends and that’s all I needed but every day the relationship between me and the others would become worse. I don’t know why they were like that. There was a time that it was because of what I wore, other times it was because I wasn’t ‘cute’ and sometimes it was ‘just because I don’t like your face’.

These things follow me but I’m not that person anymore that keeps quiet and just takes it.

I think that was why it would intensify every day.

I’m saying this not to throw shade at anyone but to give advice to people going through this.

You are above them.

When I would complain about it people would say that maybe I was the problem. Maybe we should just wait and see what happens.

This is not okay.

I went through it and made it out okay but there are so many that don’t.

I am so grateful to have people that believe in me. I am so grateful to have ignored my past and go to another country against all odds. I am so grateful for who I am today.

My past is regretful but it also was the biggest lesson. It made me strong.

It’s astonishing how people can be so mean to others, how kids can hurt each other’s feelings.

Probably those kids that ‘hurt’ me don’t even remember what they did and yet, here I am thinking about it.

I’m not trying to play victim here but there are certain things that have to change. Specially the way we address these problems. Don’t wait, don’t blame, maybe it’s not really what you think it is.