The fact that I am writing here every day thought me a lot about myself.
I saw myself as a quitter that couldn’t find what I enjoyed doing and just kept going from hobby to hobby without finding a passion. I still don’t know but I believe to be closer than I’ve ever been before.
I quit ballet because of the teacher, I quit swimming because I was bored, I quit rollerskating because I was afraid of falling. I tried singing in a musical this year. I tried learning calligraphy. I tried to be a photographer. I tried to be a YouTuber.
So many misses. Some I regret quitting, some I wish to have quit before.
I want to talk about YouTube today. My obsession started in 2012 and I started making videos in 2013, dedicated myself in 2015/16 and then went to uni. YouTube is a weight on me and it took a very long time for me to realize that and tell that to myself. I’ve always known, as my stamina to create videos went down really quickly but I wanted to do it so bad that I would lie to myself.
‘Maybe I need to post more and it will become a routine’, that was a lie. I felt a sudden motivation in the beginning but it suddenly became tiredness after seeing that my statistics would go down every video. I had nothing else to hold on to.
YouTube is now my ‘scrapbook’. I won’t delete anything. I will continue to make videos but this time I do it for me.
Dedicating myself to this blog and starting to write here doesn’t feel like an obligation. I feel good, I feel like it teaches me. I feel better within every post I write.
Maybe this will be something I won’t quit. But if I’m unhappy or lose passion for it I most definitely will. As I become more mature I realize what I like and what I don’t. I won’t put myself through more obligations. If I want to say ‘no’ I say it.
Meanwhile, here I am, enjoying writing this blog post for you and for me.